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1988

January

3 - Wrote the song "6 years over 20".
[From "Note on Wittgenstein" - Oct 86/ Jan 88 - #D]

5 - Tue - Wanders Around Dallas. With Andrew and Chip at The Wine Press. A hit of codiene and two bottles of wine - maybe four glasses for myself. Watching a candle burn - a dance of friendship jerking with insane intensity around the table. [Later:] Deep Ellum Cafe. Chip has left. Denny's on LBJ after walking around Deep Ellum. The West End. Jojo's on Central. Swimming in Chip's apartment complex hot tub. An Ice Storm on Dallas.
6 - Wed - Kim and Brandi. Get a job at Bookstop Preston Center. Through the assistance of Bill Garcia. Good old Bill. Saw "Quadrophenia". [Later:] Prophet Bar, Deep Ellum. Video images on blue screens. Grafitti: "I was here, so are you, don't be too scared". Yawn. Denny's. Birra Poretti's. Dinner at Judge Bean's. Saw Vic Duncan playing the guitar. Playing pool at Don Carter's Bowling Alley. Reading Watchmen. Out to Greenhill on ice. Play basketball in the gym at 3:00 am. 
8 - Fri - Still ice everywhere. Drive my mother over to my Grandfather's in the blue truck. 

February

10 - Letter to Andrew Foote. Memories of White Sands. The River Why. Wittgenstein's Tractatus. Also included with letter was a tape of my songs, "Love and Madness Mixed Insane".

March

19 - Twenty-six years old.
[The below from "The Structure of Thought" - May 88 - #E] 
28 - Mon - Princeton, New Jersey - 

April - europe

May - europe

June - europe

July - europe

August - europe

1 - Return from Europe.
6 - At Gunstream
7/8??? - Meet Pilar Blaske in a hot parking lot in Dallas

September

October

[The following are from the Journal "A Life of the MInd" - #I]
13 - Pilar's apartment in North Dallas. Struggling to make sense of the world, trying to maintain the integrity of my identity.
?? - At the Lake: I sat at the ancient table looking out the window to the Lake, studied the blue expanse, the distant fringe of trees, woods of mythic imgination, and the trees here, between my window and the water, the pier, like a ledge, an extension of a dream, suspended over the inner abyss. I walked down to the pier. The sun was almost risen. In the center of the Lake, a cloud of fog rested with placid animation. From the reed lined banks, phantoms whisps drifted silently over the black water to merge back with the cloud in the center. 
18 - Pilar's apartment. After a trip to the Lake. Writing poetry on the bed. 
22 - Sat - At the Lake - Sitting alone in the House. Again: looking out the window. Feeling that I have lost the knowledge of what to do with my freedom.
- Working on "Thrashers" - a story based upon the song by Neil Young concerning the disillusionments of friendships. 
- From Insignificance a quote by Ortega y Gasset from The Dehumanization of Art:

"Life is, in itself and forever, shipwreck.... Consciousness of shipwreck being the truth of life constitutes salvation."
As ideas pass and flow through me, I must capture them, so to speak, and collect them into "bundles". I must organize myself and struggle to use the bundles to create a raft of belief. And even when my raft is suitable for navigation, I must never forget that it could fall apart at any time. Even when I have built my raft into a great ship, I must not forget the idea of "shipwreck".
Reading Walden out on the asphalt in the sun.
The Lake at night. The Moon through the pines. 
23 - Sun - At the Lake - My mother woke me up at 8:30 am for breakfast. The aroma of coffee and bacon frying. Drive back to Dallas. Once back, I walk down the alley to see Mark and Starla, who are heading down to Houston to start a new life. Then I drove over to Judge Beans where Pilar works and waited for her. We had planned to go to Six Flags with her sister Nikki and a date. But I told Mark that we would try to meet him and Starla at the Fair since it was a special occassion. Nikki and Paul came into Judge Beans while I was waiting for Pilar. I told Nikki about going to see Mark and Starla at the Fair but she wanted to go to Six Flags and was something of a bitch about it. S, attempting to chosse the lesser of two evils, I decided to go to Six Flags, for "Fright Night". Later that night, after a disillusioning evening, I realized that I had to escape Dallas and head down to Austin. 
On experiencing the Lake: I must not be afraid of the world. When I am out at the Lake, out in nature, I always feel inadequate to merely describe the simplest aspect of what I see. Words are tragic.

Saw Speilberg's filmed adapton of J. G. Ballard's "Empire of the Sun". The image vs the word.

24 - Mon - In the chaotic disarray of Pilar's apartment. I have just woken up, about 2:00 pm, and probably don't have a lot of time to write before Pilar gets home from work.
26 - Wed - On a 2:00 am run. Down the old roads, around the park. Dry leaves rattling over the pavement like wind dogs. The night. The cloud filled sky. Where is the full moon? Memories of the Lake. Where are our memories? Resonant chirping of a million crickets. Thinking of all the stories in my head: "Thrashers", "Tales of Suicide, and Despair", "Blue Testament", "Big River", "In Her Time of Dying", "Phoenix", "40 Days in a Hole".
- around 3:00 am, before sleep. My parent's house. Tried to capture some wild cats, worked in yard, planting flowers with Pilar, snails on her arms, read. Walked dogs with mother. Wrote letter to Andrew Foote. Talked to Andrew. Pilar called, said all was well.
November

1 - Tue - At the IHOP with Pilar. She's reading Peter Camenzind. I've been reading "Newsweek" and The Burroughs File. Impressed with the montage style, esp. the scrapbooks. Torn between Thoreau and Burroughs. Seeing through the snails she placed on her eyes.
Later at her apartment: Imagining myself shipwrecked, afloat on a mattress raft in a sea of catshit and clothes. And from the sea emerges our daily sustenance. The Host lies in wait down there on the bottom of a small East Texas lake...
5 - Sat - Las Vegas, Nevada - Journal entries written under the influence of lust and alcohol. In a suite everlooking the Strip from Caesar's vantage point. Giant hot tub, round bed with mirrored ceilings, deep fuck tubs in each room and all the alcohol and food one could possibly consume. The guest of Mark Rubin, an old football player I coached. Along with his wealthy parents and our friend, Chip Hunter. There, ostensibly, to witness the Sugar Ray Leonard - Ray LaLonde fight. 
7 - Mon - Caesar's Palace - The day of the fight. Outside, hydraulic drills imitate the sound of the slots. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a man growing old with a slight haze in his eye. ... I sit on my round bed with no clothes staring into the reflected self above, trembling with abstract fear. 3000.00 in room service. 
8 - Tue - In the room, an hour or so before leaving... I awoke early this morning from an alcoholic blackout. I was sitting in the Casino lounge, eyes dry from locked open lids and a metallic taste in my mouth. A group of Japanese grandmothers cackled in a distant corner. I tried to search for some sign of time, but as usual there was only the standard warp of endless night... 
9 - Wed - Dallas - Pilar's apartment. Mean razor nailed envy. The woman has filed here teeth to points and stares at me from the shadows. 
10 - Thu - Austin in Les Amis after a day ended deadly with love and generated a violence that prevented any form of sleep.
Later: At Denny's in IH-35, after wandering along the Drag searching for psychic violence and drugs. A fall from resolutions at Tacasita. A susprisingly poignant walk through the HEB. "Nesweek, Nov.14" filled with scrapbook images. 
12 - Sat - Austin - Les Amis - 
13 - Sun - Austin -
15 - Tue - Dallas - Pilar's apartment - 
17 - Thu - Austin - At the Denny's in IH-35 about 5:00 am. Just moved into my new place: 102 B East 52nd. Small two room, one bath place. Right in the flightpath and overlooking the graveyard for the insane.
- bad meeting with an undergraduate UT advisor.
18 - Fri - Austin - Pilar arrives.

December

25 - Xmas in Dallas and East Mountain.