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2008



January

6 - Email from Jerry

Hi Scot,
 
Attached are my regular option trading prep sheets. This is really tough time. Most of Ken Trester's recommendations are Puts. I only had one Put position last week. I wish I had had more. I took a real bath. I lost a lot of paper profits.
 
Ken's advice is to have several Put positions on all the time, just in case.
 
Give me a call when you have a moment, whether you are trading or not.
 
You Mom is worried about you since you did not return her New Years Day call.


February

24 Email exchange with Jennifer


Cave City, Kentucky...

jennifer milbauer 
Sun, Feb 24, 2008, 8:34 PM
to me

watching the Oscars
wish you were here

I sent you my favorite shorts to earthlink.net
...ahhh, Peter and the Wolf just won, cool!
(quit snorting blow & check your email!)

I Love you.

Scot Casey 
Mon, Feb 25, 2008, 11:13 AM
to jennifer

sometimes it all seems like a dream...

i wake up and you are there and all of this never happened

thank you for the films

i didn't watch the oscars

i don't watch old movies any more

i try not to do anything that you and i used to do together

i love you too


jennifer milbauer 
Mon, Feb 25, 2008, 6:04 PM
to me

wake up, my love.


Scot Casey 
Mon, Feb 25, 2008, 11:07 PM
to jennifer

Ah, fucking Christ.

God, the pain of it all never fades.

I never thought that I would lose you in all of this.

I never wanted to hurt you.

I lay awake at night in agony over the decisions that I have made.

If I try to imagine you, where you are and what you are doing, it just rips me apart.

Enough.

Going to try to go to the gym for the first time in a month.

Love -

S


jennifer milbauer 
Feb 27, 2008, 2:24 AM
to me

I may as well have wrote the last email you sent and sent it to you.
just to know we feel the same
at least when you go home and get away from Doe,
your not completely lost from me.

I wish you would spend some more time on your own, give yourself some time to think, to write, to read, to play with the market.
                                                                                    
The Last entry you made on Laughing Bone (besides a utube link) was Nov.2nd. 
(are you going to INC. that name or shall I?....really, I'm about to incorp and I only have 3 names that aren't that good, I wish we talked and you could help me) which seems to be about the time you begin this affair.

I have bad dreams almost every night.
In the beginning it was mostly about jealousy, and often it still is, but lately its about other things. I dream about you doing coke, feeling trapped, not speaking to me because of D, not doing the things you need to do for yourself. I have these fears, dream these dreams, and reality hits me...
I truly want you to be happy, no matter how much it hurts me. 
I was so angry, I was so angry that I felt like you should suffer like I do. 
I wanted you to hurt. I'm sorry. I do not want that. 
theres so much I want to say to you, everyday, every time I turn a corner, take a pic, breathe air, change the channel.
I'm lost out here without you, write me when you can.
Ive been getting up at 7am
its way past my bedtime & Im drunk as a monkey.
I Love you Scot Casey
I will never Loved anyone like I love you.
I will never fit so perfectly in anyones arms
Jennifer



Scot Casey
Feb 27, 2008, 10:51 AM
to jennifer

I have never been lost to you.
I never will be.
No one will ever be closer to me than you.
So many things remind me of you...
I avoid them all.
Don't go to Mother's, Hyde Park, etc.

Whenever I think of you out there alone, it breaks me down and I start to cry.
Got to stop.

Here at work. Dismal and depressing. Same as it ever was.

I'll write more later.
Don't worry about me.
I'm starting to take care of myself again.

I love you, Jennifer -

Scot


jennifer milbauer 
Wed, Feb 27, 2008, 11:02 AM
to me

I remember when you used to work on wed.
It was my favorite day to wake up because I could roll over, pick up the phone and know I could hear your voice no matter what.
I want to so badly, but I will just cry, and I've got to dry my eyes.
Have a good day, my Love.
...wash my stein.



Scot Casey 
Feb 27, 2008, 11:50 AM
to jennifer

It's miserable now.
Don't think I can keep it up much longer.
I'd love to hear your voice but I've also got to keep the eyes dry also.

Travel safely.

Love you -



March

4 - Email with Jennifer

jennifer milbauer 
Tue, Mar 4, 2008, 12:03 PM
to me

I got your message.
Its very busy out here at the Fest site.
Cell phone service is bad.
I cant afford to get emotional out here anyway.
cant here you voice right now.
contact though email.


Scot Casey 
Tue, Mar 4, 2008, 12:38 PM
to jennifer

Gotcha. 
Just had some time. 
Hope that the Fest is working for you.
Look forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks.

As far as the Inc. stuff goes, of course I like Bone Design.
A few quick suggestions from films:

Bailey Park Inc
Never Gonna Dance Inc
'S Marvelous Inc
Make 'Em Laugh Inc
Cosmo Brown Inc

And my favorite:

Monkeyshines Inc 

[ Make 'em laugh
Make 'em laugh
Don't you know everyone wants to laugh?
(Ha ha!)
My dad said "Be an actor, my son
But be a comical one
They'll be standing in lines
For those old honky tonk monkeyshines ] 

mon·key·shine (mŭng'kē-shīn') 
n. Slang.
A mischievous or playful trick; a prank. Often used in the plural: laughed at my daughter's monkeyshines.

More later.



jennifer milbauer <ginbailey@gmail.com>
Mar 9, 2008, 6:01 PM
to me

is make time inc any good or am I just a little stoned?
fest is nuts
work 18 hours
sleep 5
work 21 hours
sleep 2.5
work 12 hours
trying to take nap.
I haven't laughed so much in a long time because there's not a moment to think about my sorrow.
I have 2 hours to sleep.
'night.



June

24 - Email to Jennifer

Scot Casey 
Tue, Jun 24, 2008, 2:04 PM
to jennifer

Hey -

My apologies, as always, for not having been in better contact.

Don't get paid from Woodrow's until the 4th. Phone and earthlink email suspended.

Will get back on next month.

Also will have a cell phone by then.

Get car fixed.

Back to gym, etc.

Everything seems broken.

Training as the GM at Woodrow's up north - Parmer and McNeil.

Not bad. Be happy when I move down to the Showdown location in the Fall.

It's hard to write all these daily pleasantries to you when I have so much I want to say but feel that I shouldn't.

I love you. You are always on my mind. Always.

Got to go get a haircut and get to work. Closing tonight.

30 - Email to Shelton

Scot Casey 
Mon, Jun 30, 2008, 2:47 PM
to Shelton

still at work.
no internet at Doe's -
the bones are buried deep.
a long time feel as if I have been living a posthumous existence.
another creature in my shell
my life: a dream in an opium den
 
will call soon


July

2 - Email to Shelton

Scot Casey
Wed, Jul 2, 2008, 4:13 PM
to Shelton

Modalities of confession.
 
The ghost writings from an amputated limb.
 
Debris floating to the surface of the sea.
 
Wonderment over what once wrecked down there.
 
An animal imprisoned inside a robot - all acts cloaked in mechanical gestures.

Email with Jennifer


Scot Casey
Wed, Jul 2, 2008, 4:10 PM
I hope that you are well. Where are you? Swimming with angels?

Jennifer Milbauer
Thu, Jul 3, 2008, 1:12 AM
to me

I dont know if I am well.

Rothbury Festival
Rothbury, MI.

Dancing with sharks.


10 - Email with Jennifer


Scot Casey 
Thu, Jul 10, 2008, 7:26 PM
to jennifer

in my mind in the late hours of the night.
feel more disconnected than ever.
should have a cell phone in a week.
 
love you -


Jennifer Milbauer 
Sun, Jul 13, 2008, 11:26 AM
to me

why must you torture me?
the Scotmares have been back the last few nights.
last night I drank a glass more then recommended before bed, battled  
sea monsters and zombies instead
....a nice change

Im in New Mexico w/ Mom and kids
Santa Fe yesterday
made you a postcard and threw it away
next weekend Detroit to work security for Kid Rock
then Lollapalooza in Chicago
I am very tired, but keeping my mind occupied and starting to put  
money away for my next escape.
I will be back in Austin soon if you would like to see me again.

you know I feel the same
I cant express it anymore, its too much.
I'm holding on to what remains of my sanity.

got to make breakfast for the chillins.


24 - Email with Jennifer


Scot Casey
Thu, Jul 24, 2008, 6:01 AM
to jennifer

Bad dreams tonight. Echoes of someone else here in the room with me. A
world asleep. I am alone.

My hours are typically turned around - going to sleep around 7 am.
Been working nights all this week. 7 to 3 am.
Right now, no standard schedule. New guy, bottom of the totem pole.
Waiting on the Showdown location to open - currently, mid-September.

Been riding the scooter around again. Trying to save on the gas that
it takes to get up to Parmer and McNeil.

Reading:
Aztec by Gary Jennings. 1000+ pages of good.
The Glorious Deception: The Double Life of William Robinson, aka Chung
Ling Soo, the Marvelous Chinese Conjurer by Jim Steinmeyer
Waiting on his book about Charles Fort.
Can't wait to get Night of the Gun by David Carr
Also waiting on George Steiner at The New Yorker due next year.

Not much film.
Want to see Wall-E and Dark Night.
The previews for the Watchmen looks good.

I hope that you are feeling better.
You are always in my thoughts -

Love -




Jennifer Milbauer
Thu, Jul 24, 2008, 9:01 AM
to me

Alone sounds nice.
I just hide inside my head or Rosie's eyeballs.

7 to 3
I love those hours in the Summertime.
In Texas.
I miss the 3am scooter rides from the bar.

Feeling better, thanks.
Out and about yesterday, shopping, library, coffeehouse.

Reading
Understanding Corporate Annual Reports
Idiot's Guide to Tax Breaks & Deductions
& Wind up Bird Chronicle's

Wall-E was awesome.
I saw it with all the kids, Marlo crawling all over my lap, spilling  
popcorn.
thought of you start to finish.

Cant sleep, cup of tea, bong hit.
Read for awhile.

Love


Scot Casey 
Thu, Jul 24, 2008, 9:08 AM
to Jennifer

Just now going to sleep.
Hurricane skies this a.m.
Low grey clouds in the south.

Up to the Hadji mart for a soda.
Tamale House for tacos.
Watch some Daily Show.

Got to try and hit Half Price before work to get some $$$ in the account.
Salary sucks right now.
Be better next month.

I'll be back here in the room tonight after work.
I'll write more then.

Love -


Jennifer Milbauer
Sat, Jul 26, 2008, 3:59 AM
to me


On Jul 24, 2008, at 9:08 AM, Scot Casey wrote:

> Just now going to sleep.
> Hurricane skies this a.m.
> Low grey clouds in the south.

fuck your weather talk
its just sex
>
>
> Up to the Hadji mart for a soda.
> Tamale House for tacos.
> Watch some Daily Show.

thats nice to hear
too much
>
>
> Got to try and hit Half Price before work to get some $$$ in the  
> account.
> Salary sucks right now.
> Be better next month.

$? I have more, if your good for it.
>
>
> I'll be back here in the room tonight after work.
> I'll write more then.

again I am psychic
your a day late.


>
>
> Love -
>
> S
>
> PS - What up with the business books?

p.s.
i dont want to pay any taxes.


Jennifer Milbauer 
Jul 26, 2008, 12:57 PM
to me

lots of gin last night
wild oats you know
I never got a Presto email
but thanks for meaning to send it

$ is no problem, actually you owe me 465, but who's counting
I could use it "in savings"
send me your account number again

Going to Neil Diamond tonight
Lolla fest work starts tomorrow

back to bed
to roll around in my hangover


29 Email

Scot Casey
Tue, Jul 29, 2008, 1:50 AM
to Jennifer

Closing. Waiting on the last few drunks.

I'd hire Jana and Tiff in a second.
I'm going to try and swing it, but Woodrows doesn't hire male bartenders.
Male chauvanist BS. I know.

I agree. The whole point of them hiring me is to bring back the
regulars and keep them there. It will be an atypical Woodrows - but
that is what they assured me that they wanted when I was hired.

Sweet Dreams -

Love you -


August

1 - Email from Pilar

Victoria Mclemore
Fri, Aug 1, 2008, 8:00 AM
to me

Where have you gone my friend?  Are you still there?
 
Bishop's first song of many that he has written:
 
Walking on Broken glass
 
I started today and now my hearts in two
all because of you and now you get your
Dream I'm walking on broken glass
and you get your Dream to be the Queen
and now I'm walking on Broken glass.
 

6 - Email to Myra

Scot Casey 
Wed, Aug 6, 2008, 11:31 AM
to myra

I am sorry to hear about your set back.
I hope that things get better for you.

Nothing is ever clean with me.
My life seems to be a study in fuzzy equations, endlessly recursive
fractal desires and disappointments.
I am determined always, apparently, to fetishize broken shards.
Totems from the disaster.

The dream was mostly of addictions that got the better of me.
A man in an opium den dreaming his life while he wasted away.

Perhaps talk soon.
Working a lot up at Little Woodrow's on Parmer.
Waiting for the Showdown location to reopen (mid - Oct.)
xxx -

Scot




September


27 Email to Shelton

Scot Casey 
Sat, Sep 27, 2008, 2:03 PM
to Shelton

As you are in my thoughts also.
Thank you for the kind words.
Don't worry.
 
I always return to the Nietzschean notion that such pain may not improve us, but it certainly deepens us.
In such a manner, I am entrenched in this war with my nervous system.
Like washing your bowls, god is down there at the most basic, physical level, of addiction.
The raw need for presence and transcendence burns in us all.
It just seems that I have been standing in the fire instead of beside it.
Bugs Bunny asking what is cooking cause it sure smells good.
And then... the pain.
Then, the forgetting.
Back to the fire.
Bugs again: what's cooking? smells good.
Then the pain.
After a while, it loses all meaning and the ritual is just a sad routine.
 
The bones abide. And I remain draped over them like a sheet, like a ghost.
 
S




October 

13 - Email from Jennifer


jennifer milbauer 
Mon, Oct 13, 2008, 9:34 AM
to me

jes 
I dont know 
you never got those?

Im sure they are still here

will I have very little to do today now
fucking holiday
cant go to the bank
cant get a divorce 
cant get the explorer legal
I may as well start drinking 

you dont understand shit
if you loved me you would grow some balls and quit stringing me along
just tell me you dont have time
just tell me that the time that you do have is for Buster and Doe
these people are more important to you then me
and this is the life that you choose
end of story

if you love me
please just go away
im so tired of being sad
so tired of losing you over and over again


23 


jennifer milbauer 
Thu, Oct 23, 2008, 12:24 PM
to me

all those moments 
like some lost city under an ocean of tears
a part of me is already dead

i realized on the plane ride home the only cure for a broken heart is to fall in love again.
and hear i thought i was being smart avoiding it
i dont want to, what a shitty cure, entrapment
i just want to be alone and happy
erase you from my memory, at least long enough to rest
im emotionally fucking exhausted

but it seems i will drink myself to death over you if i dont just start fucking dating
so one more day in bed tears, pills, whiskey
i'll start tomorrow
i'll start tomorrow
i'll start tomorrow


November


6 - Email with Jennifer


jennifer milbauer
Thu, Nov 6, 2008, 1:47 PM
to me

D. called me twice again yesterday ranting about harassment, which is odd because she is harassing me.
I haven't called her in a year.
I just labeled her number "psycho", like I label the bank "collector" so I know when not to answer.
I have a new number, I will give it to you soon.
You can reach me on this line tell the 13th.

Went on an Architecture Boat tour of Chicago yesterday, it was very cool.
I took a lot of pictures for the first time in forever, I'll send you the link if they are any good.
Going to the Circus tonight, I told Tim I had never been & he bought tickets.
I'm very excited.

The weather has turned for the worse.
Need to get outta here.

Love You,
Jen.




Scot Casey 
Thu, Nov 6, 2008, 5:40 PM
to jennifer

Don't think you will have any more calls.
 
All this drama... ah, I'm tired.
 
More later.
 
Have fun at the circus.
 
thinking of you -

9 - Email from Shannon

Shannon Casey 
Attachments
Sun, Nov 9, 2008, 1:20 PM
to Scot, me

Hi Scot,

Received your message--hopefully, we can talk tonight or tomorrow night.

I have been busy--especially now that I have a new dog--Romeo--a one  
year old chocolate lab. I got him form the humane society--he's a  
great dog with a sweet temperament.

School is going alright--my PAWs class is involved in internships at  
the Whatcom Humane Society and Animals as Natural Therapy and they  
are doing some amazing things with the animals out in the community  
(creating a "circle of compassion" as one person told me the other day).
I would like to start other PAWS classes at the other schools and  
coordinate the program full time (without having to teach English).  
We'll see...

I am not dating anyone at the moment--slim picken's here in  
Bellingham. I have had a streak of bad luck with men in the last  
year. But I would like to meet someone who wants a meaningful  
relationship as well as true companionship.

How are you? And how's D and B? Is marriage on the horizon?  
How do you like your new job?

Talk to you soon.

Love,

Shan